Why highly sensitive men stop sharing (INFJ / INFP)

Sometimes we finally find the courage to tell someone what we’re going through, and somehow we feel worse after the conversation than we did before. Not because they meant any harm, or because their advice was necessarily wrong, but because perhaps what we really needed was simply for someone to listen.

I’ve been thinking about why we give advice when someone shares something difficult with us. Maybe sometimes it comes from compassion. We don't want to see someone we love suffering, and feeling helpless can be uncomfortable. So we reach for a solution.

But when we're the person on the other side of that advice, it can leave us feeling misunderstood. Or broken. Or ashamed that we're still struggling. And sometimes, after this happens enough times, we simply stop sharing.

I wonder if this is part of why highly sensitive men can become so quiet about what is really happening inside them. Sometimes a problem shared isn't a problem to be solved. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, without trying to fix what we're going through.

✨ If this reflection resonates, I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever shared something difficult and realized afterward that what you really needed was simply to be listened to?

And if words feel like too much today, a simple 🕯️ is enough to let me know you were here.

🍂 A Quiet Continuation
If you've ever wondered what happens when you spend so long feeling misunderstood that you begin to stop expecting to be understood at all, this next reflection may be a gentle place to continue: When a highly sensitive man feels like he doesn't belong... (https://youtu.be/b0EZSA89iVE)

XOXO, Kate Harmony

🎉Join me for the first Lightbearer's Library Live on Sunday, August 23, 3:30–4:30pm EDT

💌 P.S. If you would like a place to share your story and sit with other highly sensitive men, I would love to welcome you to The Library Men's Group. It's a gentle space to listen, share, or simply be present with others who understand. 

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💌 P.P.S. If these journal entries have become a meaningful companion on your journey, you're warmly invited to support the work of keeping this sanctuary growing. Thank you ❤

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📖 Journal Notes
0:00 When sharing starts to feel unsafe
1:20 Why we reach for advice instead
2:30 When all you wanted was to be heard
4:08 The relief of being truly witnessed
5:34 When advice makes you feel broken
7:23 When sharing leaves you feeling worse
8:36 When you're expected to be fixed already
10:23 The pressure to prove you're trying
12:46 Finding someone who can simply witness you
14:35 When listening is harder than we think
15:43 Asking for what we need

#hsp #highlysensitivemen #infj #infp #feelingmisunderstood #vulnerability #listening #highlysensitiveperson #lightbearerslibrary

🌿 About 🌿

Welcome to Lightbearer’s Library — a quiet place for highly sensitive men who feel deeply, notice deeply, and wonder why it has sometimes felt difficult to simply be themselves.

The Library exists to help men reconnect with the parts of themselves they may have had to set aside. Their curiosity, creativity, intuition, sensitivity, and the qualities that make them who they are.

Through reflective video journal entries, I explore sensitivity, masking, childhood experiences, belonging, and what it means to come home to yourself.

I share from my own life as an INFP HSP, and from what I’ve learned through my 11 years with my INFJ HSP husband and this community.

If you’ve ever felt unseen, misunderstood, or like you had to make yourself smaller to fit into the world, you’re welcome here.

Stay for a while.
Kate Harmony 🌺 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, dear soul. Have you ever shared something about your high sensitivity, or perhaps something that you're going through? A dark night of the soul, depression, anxiety, or anything else that can perhaps be a part of you and how you are, or perhaps something you're going through. And what you get back is advice. In today's journal entry, I want to explore some reasons why people give advice, why we give advice. I'm I'm I I've done this as well. But what happens on the other end of that advice and what what comes up for for us when advice is given, so we can become more aware of that and why we become silent, why we stop sharing when what we get back is advice. Because I believe that we need people who will witness us, we need people who will listen to us. Because I think that is how we can heal more and more, is through that that witnessing by another person. So I think when we listen to people going through, if we put ourselves in the situation of listening to someone who's going through something difficult, it can make us feel helpless. Or we don't want, we don't want the other person to be suffering. Like our heart is so full of compassion and love for that person that we like our and our and our mirror neurons, maybe are feeling some of what they're going through, or perhaps we're empaths and we can actually feel what they're going through. So, in order to kind of like calm all those kind of things that might come up, we try and offer solutions to aid our own discomfort, you know, and all that might be going on subconsciously, but I think it's something to be aware of is like when we give advice, what's happening for us inside. And often much better advice than we can, and somebody who's wanting advice can ask for advice that is more tailored to their own situation, to um, you know, what's what's going on for them. But I think when we're sharing with someone about our high sensitivity or our depression, I don't think that we're looking for advice. I I don't know about about you, but when I'm sharing with, you know, and this is kind of in the past, and this is part of the problem, like with family members, sharing what I've been going through with my husband, and this was years ago now. Um, I stopped and I was silent because this is what I kept getting back. It's that, you know, we're we're just looking for a sim sympathy in some way, just just someone to say, wow, that's really hard, or wow, I I didn't, you know, to just just be there, just listen. And a problem was like the a problem shared as a problem halved. It is not a problem to be solved always. And if we do want to help help solving it, it's like, you know, then we're it's a that's a different thing. But when we find someone to listen to our problem that we're we're going through, it's might not even be, you know, a problem. Like high sensitivity is just a part of us, it's a trait that we have. So when we share something about the noise in our life is just, you know, that we can't necessarily get away with, get away from if we're living in a place and we have to live there, then it it's just there is no solution to that sometimes. And it's like, I know that I myself am like, you know, oh, can you do this or can you do that? And it's like sometimes that's fine, but sometimes that's not what the person needs. They just need to be witnessed in the hardship that they're going through. Because then I feel like when we're witnessed in that way, we don't feel so alone in it. It's just like, okay, you know, somebody else knows what I'm going through and can sympathize with it or empathize, whatever word we want to use, but um, you know what I'm saying. And it's like the load is lightened and there's more energetic space within ourselves to find our own solutions or to just feel, yeah, just a bit lighter. And I feel like when we tell someone something and they give us advice, there's lots of different feelings, but some of the things my husband and I were talking about before was it can make us feel broken. It can make us feel like you know we're in need of fixing. It can sometimes make us feel ashamed of what we're going through, depending on how the person gives the advice, or depending on per how the person reacts, we can feel ashamed. We can feel misunderstood. And for me, this is the biggest thing that I find that happens for me when advice is given is that I feel misunderstood, because in most cases, we've only shared a small portion of what it is that we're actually going through, or um, a small part of the of the story, the bigger story. You know, we we all have histories of decades, probably. And all of those decades have led up to us and what's happened. So, you know, it can be stuff with our parents, stuff with previous relationships, stuff that's going on in the world, you know, different traumas, different traits that we have, different all the things. It's just when we share something, it's like it's such a tiny portion of what we're going through. And so when the advice comes from someone, it's like it's it's it's just the the advice uh in my in most most of my uh experience is that it's not that it's not the best advice, um, because it it doesn't take in the full the full story. So and and they and it's and it doesn't take into the to the the what we've everything we have tried already, what we are currently trying, and uh the research that we've done, the books we've read, um, and to find our own solution. And so I find it can end up making me feel worse having shared that thing about what I'm going through. And it can actually make me feel like I'm I'm spiraling further downwards or or like I'm drowning even more in what's going on. And it it just it can just make us feel even more alone. As like, why did I even share that? You know, it's just like okay, now I feel even more shitty and you know, more broken, more all the things. It's like great. So I think and I think the thing too is that our high sensitivity for one thing is something that is a lifelong, it's it's just part of us, right? So it's not something that can be fixed. Um and but depression or anxiety or trauma work or any of these large-scale things that happen to us, they can take years or decades to work through and resolve. So when we share with others in this this sort of achievement fast-paced culture, um, there's there can be this expectation that we have to be like healed or fixed overnight, you know, kind of like um, you know, by the next time we have the conversation with the person, like we should have figured it out. So we can share it once or twice, maybe. But we can feel like we're a drain on the people around us. Because we're not, we're not, we're not healed, we're not fixed yet. We're still trying to find our way through the dark forest or trying to find our way through the situation that we might be in a rock and a hard place, that we can't change where we live, you know, we're all the things. And so it's like that's another reason why we might not continue to share with someone, because it's like we're not fixed. So we end up having fewer and fewer people we share with until we're just silent. And then especially if that person, if we're telling the same same person or talking to the same person about what we're going through, if they've already given us advice that for them in their mind it worked worked for them. Maybe they maybe they were in the same place, maybe they had depression and what worked for them, they've shared it with us, and they kind of expect us to try that or do that and you know get better from it. Um it's like, or they don't know what it's like to be highly sensitive and they've given us advice and it just doesn't work for us. We can feel like that they can be frustrated with us, you know, or uh, or offended that we haven't taken their advice and listened to them. And so it kind of almost feels like they think that we're not trying to fix ourselves or trying hard enough. And they might even say things like that that kind of feel like these little barbs, you know, like they're saying things without saying things, you know. And we're I think we're we're pretty sensitive that we can pick up on these energies, and um so it's like, but in reality, like we are trying in some days, we're just trying to come up with reasons to stay alive, and that's a good day when we have find a reason. And so I think that's one of the things about personality type that I often think of too. It's like the advice that works for one personality type is going to be the opposite advice for another personality type. So it's like that's another thing that is part of our larger story of taking into account the advice. So with all that, we just it's a lot of energy. We we already don't have much energy if we're dealing with some of these things. We're already have enough, you know, well, all the feelings, all the stuff. We have enough in there to then have somebody lit like who listens and and then to to feel bad that we didn't take their advice. And it's just it's a bad cycle. So we just stay silent and we keep it to ourselves, and it's it just becomes easier that way. So we end up just being silent. And I think that's really like I think that this is my belief and what I found helpful. So I'm not giving advice. You know, that's a funny thing. My advice is don't give advice, but here's you know, I think that sometimes to find our way back to ourselves, we do need we do need a witness, we do need a mirror, we need someone who listens, who who can yeah, just just be the witness to us in that dark place. And so I think oftentimes that that involves therapy, and because therapists are trained to listen and trained to not give us shoulds. And I think that's what we need. Um, but sometimes we can't afford therapy. I mean, in our house we can't afford therapy currently, so you know, there's other avenues, and we are reading books and we're like all the things. We're doing all the things that we possibly can. And um, but I think finding also spaces to have people witness, and that's what I'm trying to do with the the Light Bears Library men's groups and the Light Bears Library Men's Sanctuary is to provide spaces, a space where it's not about fixing each other. It's not about offering advice. It's not about, you know. Yes, yes. We can I think I I think the cool thing is is offering offering books or offering, you know, there's there's ways and spaces, but it's worth being aware of how how we're offering it or why we're offering it. And I I I do it. I do it myself, you know. But it's it's really trying to be conscious of this, of this space of of witnessing, of listening, of just bearing witness and saying, wow, that's really hard what you're going through. Wow, I I I feel you. Wow, I've I've been there too. And even sometimes bringing it back to our own experience, and I do this sometimes, or I I use my husband's experience to say, you're not alone in this, and here's his experience. It's sometimes even that can feel like it becomes about us and our our own experience versus just witnessing them in that. So it's it's hard. Listening, the skill of listening is a very hard skill, and it's something that sometimes we can think we're pretty good at, but really maybe we're not so we could use, we could always use, use to use some uh some practice. But I think it's important to also ask for what we need when we're sharing with someone in our life. And it doesn't always work. So to say like, I just need someone to listen. I I don't need advice on how to make this better. I just need some someone to like, could you do that for me, or would you be willing to just listen? And you can give it a try. And if that works, that's great. If it doesn't, and they you know, it's then it it it maybe that's not the right person. But and um, and sometimes we do need help, we do need advice, we do, we or we need specific help of like, you know, maybe we need to move and we're in the midst of depression and it feels impossible. And sometimes we just need someone to come and help us, you know, clean before we move or whatever, help us pack. And so we can sometimes need cheerleaders in that way. But um, so yeah, asking for specific help. And I think, yeah, I think that's those are my thoughts on that. So I would love to hear from you about. Yeah, where you've you know, I know in our own life, my husband and I over time, together of 11 years, I've noticed him give like no advice now. Um, versus in the beginning, I think there was that he he felt the the the empathy, right? Um feeling other people's pain and suffering and wanting to help. And now we just well, now we don't really have anyone that in our lives right now. But um, yeah, even just with me, he he listens more to just what I need to share without trying to offer solutions or paths forward, unless I'm asking him to, you know, like I need some thought your thoughts on this. So I would love to hear from you, yeah, your thoughts on the experience of perhaps giving advice when maybe you're like, oh, I really should have listened um and just been a witness. Or there's times when you've shared something that's happening for you and then got advice back, and how that has been for you in your life, because I think that's why we end up not sharing with people and why we become silent. So if this has resonated for you or give you some thoughts, I would love it for you to contribute to the library. Um, it really helps my husband and I um keep the lights on currently and um or consider coming to uh a group. That's uh a wonderful, wonderful experience. We've been having a lovely, a lovely time just witnessing one another as best we can. And uh yeah. Well, I wish you so many blessings. Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.